Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Elena Zhang, Writer

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’re going to the movie theater with your friends and you buy a ticket for your favorite movie. You end up getting split from your group and see Santa Claus Conquers the Martians with a theater full of demonic zucchini.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You wake up in the morning and it’s already 8:40. You can’t remember the rotation schedule and when you walk to school, it finally occurs to you that it’s the middle of winter break.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You are playing video games in your room when your dresser suddenly falls over and you’re sucked into another dimension with hot dogs. No, not the food. Just, hot dogs, literally.

Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re in the middle of state testing when you realize everything on your test is in a font that is not Comic Sans and Peppa Pig is your test monitor. You almost cry from the sheer horror of everything but you wake up in a cold sweat and find out it was a dream.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’re in the middle of art class when you have a flashback of that time your first grade teacher called an ambulance because you were eating the marbles for marble painting.

Libra (September 23-October 22): It’s June, and suddenly your teacher decides to make everyone run the mile on a 106 F day. You trip, and you find a goldfish in the grass. You literally call 911 and attempt CPR before figuring out it’s capybara… And promptly continue to give it CPR.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You’re walking your dog when you see your teacher across the street. She doesn’t see you and you’re just about to sigh with relief when a chihuahua bites you and you scream. Your teacher calls the hospital and only upon returning to school do you realize that that was her dog and she’s giving you an A for the rest of the year.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You’re in the middle of your math class (your worst subject) doing a test you didn’t study for when someone comes in and your teacher tells you to leave. You told your mom a week ago that you absolutely had to leave school at 1:30 PM on a Tuesday for a birthday gift and apparently she got you what you wanted. 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You’re trying to decide what to do on a Sunday afternoon when your friends come over and ask you if you want to go to the pool. You hate water, but you go anyway and almost swallow the entire pool.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You check out a book from the library and you really like it. Two weeks later, you can’t find it and now you have to pay $20 which was going to be your stress eating fund.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Tomorrow is Open House and you’re debating whether or not to tell your parents about it. You’re pretty sure one of your teachers hates you so you decide not to, but your mom figures out about Open House anyway. You get grounded for a week for not telling her.